God bless you - You are amazing in His sight, never forget that!!! He created you in His image, and we all have a Purpose!!!
Today was amazing, something really deep surfaced through one of the treatments I received......it's relating to my cough...... I got the message......it presented itself with a song and an image. It's not so important, what the song is, nor the image......it brought me in very deep contact with a very deep deep need: I never ever allowed myself to not be strong for everybody else, to my own detriment....... - if you do that, people start taking advantage of you and feel they have the right to judge and criticize.
Today I felt this deep need, to just be weak......, and to be supported by my trainer...... - it is funny, the only time when I was weak in my life, was when I was sick.....when I had asthma, and then often times I ended up in hospital.....nurses giving me the nourishment for my weakened body, the care. Actually that pertains more to my grown up years, my mother would be there for us, when we were sick.....but later in life, when my mother travelled more with my dad, and I had my own place.....I was alone a lot, I always kept on walking until I collapsed, thus getting the support, but from strangers, who were actually paid to care for the sick.
I never thought I could actually get this care for free - from someone who loves me. This sickness and the being tired (I had to have a nap today after the treatment) that has befallen me this time, say it loud and clear: I am sick and tired of being strong for my family (original and immediate) - I don't mind helping them with the therapy I am using more and more with them, to help them get in touch with their innermost potential, seeing themselves the way God sees them, and how He wants to heal them, to make them whole.
Thankfully my many prayers for friends, that love me, for who I am and not for who they think I should be, have been granted manifold, so I am not all that deprived......but somehow today, I had to be honest again, and admit to the fact, that all I want to do, is be weak, not having to hold the torch for those around me......I am fine with being there for my children, but even there it would be great, to have a strong shoulder to lean on, who would just take me in his arms, and whisper in my ears: all is going to be all right. This was never the case in my previous marriage, I felt as if I had to be strong for my ex as well..... - so I just concluded, this is not for me......when my Oma died, she took this need with her to Heaven......
Today I felt that I was getting this attention without any ulterior motive involved, and it has been breaking a dam in my heart.....and again, I realize, that I am only human and that right now I just want to lean in and be carried, cry and have a shoulder to cry on - yet besides short encounters, where I share a certain incident or a certain pain with a dear friend of mine, there is nothing like this around anywhere. I do take it to God in prayer, and He does come through for me swiftly and lovingly, yet it doesn't take away the longing for a man by my side, who could provide this strong shoulder - I am as lonely as can be, in the here and now......in the daily grind of things, there is nothing to fall back on.....just this self-imposed loneliness.
Where did I go wrong, where and why did I decide that I had to do it all by myself - this is a question I shall now bring to my Father in Heaven and have Him guide my perception.......why do I think I can't get this love and care from another person, preferably my man :) - what is at the root of this belief system. Lord Jesus, please guide me through this maze of twisted emotions and belief systems, please make me see, what made this seem not attainable for me......that all appreciation would come from sacrificing myself on the altar of Grace for others, but Love, true and unconditional Love could never be mine.
I know, that this is complete hogwash, yet I believed it to the core of my being all this time.....it feels that finally I will be able to let go of this old belief system, and learn to freely receive. I sense that my cough will be on it's way out.....hopefully taking the deaf feeling in my ears with it as well. I knew there was more to this cough than just a cold......and really, God is faithful to bring me in contact with the challenges lying underneath.....so I will patiently wait for Him to let me know, what is at the root and thus being able to release it......
Friends, I pray, that if some of this resonates with you, that you ask God, to show you your answers.....for mine are not yours.
In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Be blessed
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