All I ever wanted was, the feeling I had with you.... - Consequences of sin...

God bless you - You are amazing in His sight, never forget that!!! He created you in His image, and we all have a Purpose!!!

Good morning my friends, God has woken me up this morning, and He wants me to tell you, what very few people in my life know - the truth about my greatest loss ever: The man I knew in my heart  God had brought into my life to stay - yet he didn't. The blow that has dealt to my heart, when it was wide open, to love completely, abundantly and unconditionally, is still sending its ripples into my life and that of others (mainly my children) today.

When I decided in 1993 that I was going to go back to Canada, my heart was beating a happy beat - one of anticipation.......I didn't know or understand why, but I was extremely happy deep inside my heart. In April 1994 I came back to Toronto - a very dear friend of mine was in Canada at the same time and we shared an amazing heart connection - some voices questioned if I had turned lesbian....... - well, I didn't, we just loved each other in a very deep but innocent way. All the while I felt as if I was being prepared for something big..... - yet I had no idea for what. I just knew, that God was up to something.....

When I met him, I didn't think it could be the one for me at first, since he had a girlfriend in Germany, and men that are taken, are off limits for me - yet again the same voices, that thought  I might be gay were wondering if I was interested in this man. I checked my motives - and thinking back to he first encounter, I know, that when he hugged me, as he left my sister's and her then boyfriend's house, and kissed me good bye (on the cheek) - I was amazed at how soft his skin was. I remember another evening, when we had gone out with one of my friends, and I was sharing and crying over some deep hurts I had suffered at the time from my brother and his girlfriend - with any other man I would have felt extremely awkward, but with him, that was not awkward at all - and when he hugged me afterwards, I felt as if I finally had reached my destination - his hug felt like home - I just wanted to stay in his arms forever and ever...... - so I figured, that yes, I wanted more......wanted it all!!!

One night, we had been at a birthday party together, and when he dropped me off at home, I said: There is something, I want you to know.......I love you - He looked at me and simply said: I know - nothing more nothing less, and I got out of the car, our hands had just linked for a split second - leaving me breathless..... Another time we drove somewhere in my car, I don't know where we were going and why my car, but I know I let him drive and that felt so right and I felt as safe as can be, I could have driven to the end of the world with him. We worked together and he had created the most amazing job for me - I loved every second of work each day. And I loved seeing him every day - the most handsome man I have ever met......I could look into his eyes and see what he was thinking. All I had ever dreamed love could look like had come true - just in the end it wasn't for me :( - we were never lovers, we never even kissed, but we were connected in the heart of hearts - this connection is a gift from God......which we rejected....., I am still sad when I think, what we never had - I still cry over songs of Amy Grant such as: Missing you, The feeling I had.....and many many more. 

One weekend in the fall after it all had already crumbled I felt the urge to go to New York - and I thought I was loosing my mind, but then it dawned to me, that he may have gone to New York that weekend......when he returned he called and left a message for my sister's boyfriend (I stayed at their house that night, and slept right next to the answering machine...), that he was back from New York, thus confirming what I had known in my heart.

When he did get married, my heart hurt so much - even though I didn't know it was his wedding day - I felt as if my heart was ripped in two - I thought I was having a heart attack......which I didn't, but I knew, that he was getting married that day - one of my former friends, that I had previously introduced to him, confirmed it to me a little bit later - she had been at the wedding. That's when I knew, I was doomed, that I would never find someone that I could love like I loved him, and now he was definitely gone, no more hope for us to be together one day, as marriages shouldn't be broken......that's when I veered off the path God had for me (I should have trusted my dear Father in Heaven, that He could bring me another one, or bring him back to me, but I chose to take matters in my own hands...thus piling pain on myself and my children, and my ex-husband)...looked for something that could fill that void - another man, who I had started dating earlier, when the connection seemed to have been severed, a child (where I should have looked only to God, to lead me home) - conceived before marriage, which caused a bundle of consequences of the sin of the fathers passed down to my little boy - if I could do it all over again, I would at least wait to share the bed with a man until after I am married, as the consequence of sin is painful for everybody involved. 

I have since found forgiveness for my sins from my precious Jesus, and He has turned my whole life around for the better, and with Him, I know I can make it through this life alone - even though I still long to be loved in the here and now.

Today sex before marriage would not be an option for me, for I know the damage it does to the lovers - God ordained for us to come together pure and after true love had a chance to grow - my ex-husband and I never stood a chance to make it, cause we had taken the last step first and thus robbed our love of it's foundation and fulfilment. Sad but true.

Over the years I have continued to pray for my lost love, prayed that he may have found Christ and that we would meet again......I don't know if he's still married or not, or what his life looks like, but I know, that I love him to this day and that all I ever wanted was the feeling I had with him - today I know it truly was a gift from God - we had the chance to choose this eternal love 17 years ago - we could have stayed in His Plan and not lived through all this pain, but then again, we make choices and these choices have consequences that we'll have to live with - but the good news is, that Christ can turn around anything that was intended for evil, or even just happened because we were weak and didn't know any better - He forgives for the asking - actually He has forgiven already - He died for all our sins (past, present and future) 2000+ years ago - we have to simply choose to believe that it truly is finished - was finished when Christ died on the cross.

This was very difficult for me, to write, as it has been sacred to my heart for nearly 2 decades now......I feared judgement from people. I was afraid that my dearest memories would not stand the test of the judgemental and critical attitude of those around me, that I would stop believing they were real, but over the last months and years, God has validated all these things, so I don't have to question it anymore and thus I don't have to fear the opinion of other people anymore - for the truth has set me free indeed.......thankfully I don't feel afraid anymore and I know, that God will protect my heart - He must believe it helps you on your journey, otherwise He wouldn't have urged me to write about it.....I trust you will hold these memories dear and sacred.

I thank God for you, my faithful readers and friends - I know He has a plan for you and for me and that the best is yet to come - believe in Him with all your hearts and lean not onto your own understanding......He'll make your life beautiful - I am trusting Him with all my heart and I pray that you can, too.

Be blessed my friends, I love you very much!!!
Amen